In Memory Of J. F. Buckley

Jim had several favorite sayings, often quotes from westerns, but he also had a remarkable knack for extemporaneously delivering memorable lines specific to the moment. Please honor his voice by sharing his words, and perhaps their contexts, here.

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On 8.15.07, Jim had his liver biopsy. As the transport staff wheeled Jim back into his room, Jim looked at the nurse, who was waiting to greet him, and pronounced, “Well, that doctor’s a great guy, but he’d make a terrible bartender!” The nurse looked baffled. Jim said, “The guy couldn’t even knock me out!”

Jim remained awake throughout the procedure because the meds intended to sedate him just did not work. Even so, he was pleasant and brave and funny throughout–our Jim. (EP)

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On 8.8.07, after Jim heard just hours before that it appeared his cancer had metastasized to his liver, he said to EP, “If it’s death, I don’t want it to be spiteful.”

In the same conversation, he also said:

“So little time. I guess I won’t be able to solve the problems of the world. I always wanted to write the great American novel.”

He also quoted a line from John Wayne that became a kind of mantra for him during this trek. I believe it is from A Fistful of Dollars” (please correct me, anyone): “I kinda like it here, and I want to hang around as long as I can.”

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At about 2 a.m. on Wednesday, September 3, 2008, Jim was at Hospice, weaving in and out of lucidity, alertness. He had some hallucinations and was sometimes confused. But often he was just our Jim.

He had a coughing episode, so I repositioned him, got in his face, and said very quietly, “I love you, Jim Buckley.” He looked at me, and that glimmer came to his face, and, totally lucid, he paused, brilliantly, grinned a flirty grin, and said loudly, in all lucidity, “Well, I am pretty cute.”

That morning, at about 9:00, he was disoriented and fiddling with the shoulder pack that held his pain pump. He had what they called “terminal restlessness” then and kept pulling on the tubing. In the process of distracting him from it, he said, “That’s my pain pack.” I said, “Yeah, it’s a pretty nice pack. Let’s leave it alone.” He looked and again, in a clearly self-conscious, very lucid way, paused, looked up at me, smiled a wide smile, and said, “I always wanted a nice pack.”

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On 8.26.07, I told Jim how angry I was at the universe for doing this to him, for taking him from me. He said, “Don’t be angry. It’s just life.”

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On 9.9.07, Jim quoted John Wayne’s character in The Shootist, speaking to Lauren Bacall’s character as he died, “By and large, I’ve had a petty good life.”

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As many of us know, Jim planned his posthumous events in detail–his last syllabus, or maybe the party he never had at his house. He put great thought into it. On Feb 1, 2008, he spoke at length about his ideas, at times sadly, matter-of-factly, and humorously. Among other things, he said:

“They will cook me and then run me through the Cuisinart because the cooking doesn’t get rid of the bones.” (He frequently referred to his cremation as “cooking.”)

Explaining his choice of songs for the funeral, he said he wanted “We Shall Gather at the River.” “It’s a great one, isn’t it? Besides, it’s in one of my favorite westerns. Do you know My Darling Clementine?” and he described the scene with John Ford walking to church with, I believe, a woman who had been a romantic interest of his.

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Many times during this year, Jim quoted a line from Shawshank Redemption, when Tim Hutton’s character, a lawyer, says, “You’d better get busy living or get busy dying.”

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In February,’08, When Jim talked about staying connected after death, we talked about seeing him in a flying star. He said, “Mine will be stuttering.”

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In that same conversation in February ’08, I said, “I feel like I’m going to be connected to you for the rest of my life.” He said “Kind of like heartburn.”

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In March of 2008, Jim said so many funny things.

“When the funeral director told me the memorial card he picked had a Thomas Kincaid painting on it, I told him to select a different one. [full pause.] I broke up with someone once for buying a Kincaid painting.” (3.18.08)

When talking about his plans for the reception, I asked, “How many people will come?” “I don’t know. Two?” (3.18.08)

I (EP) have a particularly nosy neighbor. After one episode of intrusion, Jim said, “If you see his garbage tipped over, it’ll be me doing it. I’ll probably go to hell, so I’ll have lots of help.” (3.11.08)

When I told him about my friend who believes in reincarnation, Jim paused and said loudly, “God! I hope I don’t come back as a republican!” 3.15.08

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Jim confronted his experience with grace, grit, and humor–and with sadness and despair. On April, 22, 2008, another quote from The Shootist, one Jim said regularly, “I’m just an old man, afraid of the dark.”

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4.22.08. “I’m okay until I call the girls. Then I cry like crazy. I’m lucky I can go to a place like that (Hospice), that I don’t have to die on the cheap. So, I’m lucky.” Pause. “‘Course, if I weren’t dying, I’d be more lucky.”

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4.22.08 “Every time you have a party and no one comes early, you’ll miss me.”

This is a reference to once when he came to a dinner party an hour early–intentionally. When I, in the midst of running around to clean up the house and myself, and trying to finish various dishes, opened the door, I must have looked aghast with mortification. He said calmly, “I was just in the area and thought I’d stop by early.” I exclaimed, “Have you ever heard of something called ‘a telephone’?!” and yanked him inside the house. He frequently laughed at this. EP

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5.2.08 “You know, one of these days, I’m gonna wake up and yesterday’s gonna be the last good day of my life.”

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